I went back and finished your story. The good news is it got interesting the bad news is that you need to hook the reader by the look inside. Not sure your story does that. Not sure that you had conversations in same paragraphs. It is the lack of indentation that confuses everything. Indent indent indent. In my quick reading I saw no typos but when it comes to commas etc. that is advice that is beyond me. Loved the ending. did not see it coming. Good short story but needs to be given a sense of urgency. When this cloud of gloom disappers i will read again.
Glad that her kisses will be less abrasive now -good for both of us, I imagine.
Thanks for having a read, and big thanks to inyun for his support.
It looks like ~10% of the folks that bought the free book came back and bought the other story, so I think that's a step in the right direction.
@Inyun - appreciate the feedback on the indents and conversations, as well as the fact that you went and had a second look. Danke!
funny - in the days following the free offer on my Demons story, now my other short story is doing well.
Not sure why it's moving up the anthologie charts, but I'm not one to complain (once you get to know me, you'll see that's not true...but for now, you can believe me!)
thanks again for your help and support - much appreciated.