Bookshelf | Reports | Community | KDP Select

Home » Amazon KDP Support » Ask the Community » General Questions

Thread: What's wrong with my blurb?


This question is answered. Helpful answers available: 2. Correct answers available: 1.

Reply to this Thread Reply to this Thread Search Forum Search Forum Back to Thread List Back to Thread List

Permlink Replies: 22 - Pages: 2 [ 1 2 | Next ] - Last Post: Aug 20, 2016 12:36 PM Last Post By: acornwriter
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 589
Registered: 12/28/15
What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 12:07 PM
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I have a good CTR on my ad campaign, but the conversion rate is below par. Clearly, the cover is good and the ad is good, but the blurb needs improvement. Have at it, KDP community. What's wrong with my blurb?

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A0AM7IW
Donna St Felix

Posts: 6,062
Registered: 09/18/13
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 12:39 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Moshe Ben-Or wrote:
I have a good CTR on my ad campaign, but the conversion rate is below par. Clearly, the cover is good and the ad is good, but the blurb needs improvement. Have at it, KDP community. What's wrong with my blurb?

You asked the same thing on the same book VERY recently so no comment.
Diana Persaud

Posts: 2,698
Registered: 10/07/13
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 2:29 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Your blurb is too generic.

Who are the 3 people you listed? Are they all working together? Enemies? I don't care about any of them.

Don't people who usually fight do it because they are fighting for a cause or for their lives or loved ones? How are your characters' fight different from any other fight in any other book?

Blurbs are hard to write.

There is a lot of free advice out there on how to write blurbs.
Check out Dean Wesley Smith's blog.

Libby Hawker has a book on how to write a pitch.

There are also countless websites devoted to writing pitches.

You can also study the pitches of books in your genre.

Edited by: Diana Persaud on Feb 23, 2016 8:50 AM

Edited by: Diana Persaud on Feb 23, 2016 8:51 AM
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 589
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 4:10 PM   in response to: Diana Persaud in response to: Diana Persaud
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
@Donna: Yeah, except the Amazon boards "helpfully" deleted that question before I had time to read any of the answers.

Edited by: Moshe Ben-Or on Feb 22, 2016 4:10 PM

Edited by: Moshe Ben-Or on Feb 22, 2016 4:12 PM
Jeanne M. Tosti

Posts: 47
Registered: 05/17/14
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 4:39 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Nice cover! When your blurb displays, the reader only sees your three teaser headlines and then two successive questions. They have to click on "read more" to see the rest. You might want to use either the headlines or the questions rather than both. Unless you think it is absolutely essential I would try to include no more than two characters in your blurb. Peoples' heads start to spin when they have to keep tract of multiple characters that they don't know yet. The objective of the blurb is to peek interest and to get them to buy the book. If you can get them interested in even one of your main characters, then you've done your job. In your second full paragraph you use the term "fight" or "fighting" six times--I would rework this paragraph and try to work in something else about your main character that makes your potential reader want to know more. Good luck. Hope there is something here that helps.
Allen

Posts: 73
Registered: 02/20/16
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 8:10 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I will be blunt, only because you asked. The big bold headlines of the blurb are too 'In your face' for my liking, they remind me of those infomercial scam emails we all sometimes get. Also, have an editor look at the first couple of pages within the 'Look inside' and take note of what they say. Good luck.
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 589
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 9:49 PM   in response to: Allen in response to: Allen
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Well, then, @Allen, you claim to be an editor. Go ahead and say what you think an editor will say. If it's bunk, I'll tell you to go pound sand.

I do tend to agree with you that the bold was a tad much. It did, however improve sales. Both all-caps and bold are fairly common in military SF book blurbs.

To the rest, thank you for the advice. I will see how the revised blurb does over the next week or so.
James Friend

Posts: 34
Registered: 03/22/15
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 22, 2016 11:19 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Alan offered you perfectly friendly advice, which you asked for by the way, and you respond with insults?

Incidentally, Alan is correct. I spotted a couple of errors that an editor would have picked up very early in the Look Inside.

"At once, Your Ladyship" replied the nervous little creature...

should be:

"At once, Your Ladyship," replied the nervous little creature...
villagoise

Posts: 3,083
Registered: 11/13/11
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 3:36 AM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Your blurb contains five sentences beginning with "So". But that isn't your only problem.

James is correct to pick up on your dialogue not having a comma before the speech tags. I'll take it a step further and say that "bowed Vandergriff" is not a speech tag.

And I don't understand why Herr is in italics.

Otherwise, the writing is not bad and the cover is good. Also, your ranking is good for a new author and you have some positive reviews, so I'm not sure why you've come to the forum. If it's to post your link and advertise your book, you're in the wrong place to do that.
Aaron James Fra...

Posts: 791
Registered: 03/13/15
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 4:14 AM   in response to: villagoise in response to: villagoise
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
villagoise wrote:
I'll take it a step further and say that "bowed Vandergriff" is not a speech tag.

It's acceptable to use action tags in place of dialog tags to denote who's speaking.
villagoise

Posts: 3,083
Registered: 11/13/11
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 4:27 AM   in response to: Aaron James Fra... in response to: Aaron James Fra...
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Aaron James Francis wrote:
It's acceptable to use action tags in place of dialog tags to denote who's speaking.
Thank you. As a writer, I do know about that. But, also as a writer, I don't accept:
"At once, Your Ladyship" bowed Vandergriff.

For a start, bowed is NOT a speech tag, so should have a full stop/period within the dialogue quotation marks. If the writer wants to use an action tag there, he needs to know it should be written as: "At once, Your Ladyship." Vandergriff bowed . . .
Mrs Jackie Small

Posts: 131
Registered: 04/18/13
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 5:04 AM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
To try to help with your blurb, I believe that blurbs should be in present tense rather than past tense, even if the book itself is written in past tense. It makes for better reading e.g. 'he has' rather than 'he had' etc.

Also, your look inside has quite a few errors with dialog. It would be well worth correcting as this will put many people off buying the book in my opinion.

Good luck.
Jackie
David

Posts: 172
Registered: 06/08/14
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 5:07 AM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Much better than the original.

A few things though. There is that repetition of "So" that was distracting.

The second paragraph gets long winded. Chop it down like the first.

I like to just use my blurb's as a hook without really giving away much of the story. Personally I don't give up anything that happens after the first page or two of the book in the blurb.
Keith Wayne Hil...

Posts: 422
Registered: 07/13/13
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 7:39 AM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I had a look and I did like your cover. I consider myself fairly well read and I had a hard time following a few short paragraphs. It confused me.. which isn't that hard, but I found it very busy with no interest at looking inside. You introduced two or three characters... I think blurbs should have some kind of hook or ad copy NLP.

A prince into fisticuffs? Sounds pretty royal.. The CAP LOCK first sentence. Miranda is a planet? Sounds like a girl.

Instead of pushing the plot you could do teaser points like 'Leo was a prince who was trained to kill and together with his best friend tried to leave a violent past. Now; faced with a new danger that surprised even the powers that be'.

I never looked inside. This is only suggestions and not criticism. Blurbs are ads... so even the best writers may struggle with them.

good luck.

p.s. I like your name. Looks good on a cover and is very distinctive whether real or a pen name.
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 589
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: What's wrong with my blurb?
Posted: Feb 23, 2016 9:31 AM   in response to: villagoise in response to: villagoise
 
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Who said anything about insults? You Yanks have skins that are way too thin! The commas bit after dialogue is how I learned to write also, but for some reason modern American grammar checkers claim that the opposite rule is true. Maybe you folks are right about that bit. Herr is in italics because, as a rule, foreign words are italicized.

As for Miranda not sounding like a planet, or the idea that taking up a brutal bloodsport by way of personal entertainment is not "royal", I'll dismiss those notions with a hearty laugh, thank you very much. In the Solar System there is already a stellar body named Miranda, and the temptation to name a planet that way should be obvious from the name itself. Henry VIII challenged the King of France to a friendly wrestling match at their one and only royal summit, and Menshikov used to walk around the streets during pugilist season, challenging street and block champions to a match.

The fellow who claims that my ranking is OK needs to stop being silly. No ranking below number 1 is OK.
Legend
Helpful Answer
Correct Answer

Point your RSS reader here for a feed of the latest messages in all forums