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Permlink Replies: 5 - Pages: 1 - Last Post: Oct 7, 2017 7:21 AM Last Post By: robert d dorazi
robert d dorazi

Posts: 622
Registered: 04/20/14
comparing blurbs
Posted: Oct 7, 2017 5:02 AM
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Hi everybody

I have a question about two ebook blurbs. They are supposed to refer to the same ebook but are quite different. Which one would you understand better?

1
Manu Fretin is a real macho, and this is not the least of his faults. He also has strange and embarrassing memory gaps. For years he managed to ignore these blanks in his life, until one day Sarah reveals the truth: Manu has a split personality. And her name is indeed Sarah !
This could have been only a slight inconvenience, except that whenever she takes possession of Manu's body, Sarah seems to bring chaos! She goes as far as planning to use hormones in order to feminize Manu. But things take a more serious turn when Manu's last girlfriend is badly beaten. Manu's culpability is obvious, and he is sent to jail. Strangely enough, during his time behind bars, a nurse convinces him that the only way to avoid further trouble would be to marry Sarah. But how can one marry a woman who exists only in his head? The law has never considered such a option. Never mind ! Manu will change all that. He does not yet know that he embarks on a journey that will last a lifetime and will not go without many troubles.

2
Manu Fretin is a man’s man. Macho, charming when it’s convenient for him, he’s in a whole world of trouble due to inexplicable memory lapses and mind-boggling revelations that quickly turn his world upside down.
Sarah is in possession of information Manu desperately needs to make sense of his life, but she’s also a woman on a mission to wreak havoc by any means necessary.
As his world spirals out of control, it becomes increasingly evident that things are not as they seem, but his blind loyalty to Sarah is in direct conflict with reality. No excuses, no apologies, and no desperate pleas for help will free him from the drama, but a naïve nurse believes she may be able to help. Could his problems prove to be too much for medical professionals and law enforcement to ever wrap their heads around?

Best

Robert

Wilai Lattimore

Posts: 479
Registered: 01/15/14
Re: comparing blurbs
Posted: Oct 7, 2017 6:10 AM   in response to: robert d dorazi in response to: robert d dorazi
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Robert, I have written and published a novel with echos of your story. I would be more likely to read your book after reading the first blurb. But, it is far too complicated and needs simplifying.

Good luck with your book

WL
Mrs Julia Evans

Posts: 751
Registered: 05/22/16
Re: comparing blurbs
Posted: Oct 7, 2017 6:11 AM   in response to: robert d dorazi in response to: robert d dorazi
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Hi Robert,

I much prefer the second one, right up to where it says 'but a naïve nurse believes she may be able to help'. I don't know why, but that line brought me to a juddering stop, when I was quite getting into it. The rest is fine.

I didn't like the first one as I think it gives too much of the plot away, and didn't have enough mystery or intrigue.

But we're all going to go with personal preference here.

Hope that's helpful. J
robert d dorazi

Posts: 622
Registered: 04/20/14
Re: comparing blurbs
Posted: Oct 7, 2017 6:29 AM   in response to: Wilai Lattimore in response to: Wilai Lattimore
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Hi Wilai and Julia

Thanks for your answers. I must say that the first blurb is mine. I am not a native american or English, as you have guessed, so I asked someone on Fiverr to rewrite my blurb. The person asked me for the original blurb, and few questions before doing the job. The result is the second text. And as far as I can understand it, it has nothing to do with the book :)
For example, would you understand, from the second blurb, that Sarah is actually the name of Manu's split personality?

Well, thanks again. I will try to make my description a little less complicated. ;)

Best

Robert
Wilai Lattimore

Posts: 479
Registered: 01/15/14
Re: comparing blurbs
Posted: Oct 7, 2017 7:04 AM   in response to: robert d dorazi in response to: robert d dorazi
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Hi Robert, this is what I would write, having only the facts above.

Manu Fretin is a man’s man in the true sense of the term. He leads a strange and complicated life and experiences constant periods of confusion and memory loss. He is haunted by the existence of a woman, who leaves a trail of chaos wherever she goes.
The most disturbing factor is that her deeds are often laid at his door, destroying his busy life and the confidence others have in him. Objects start appearing in his flat – the most startling of which is a bottle of female hormone tablets.
Events come to a head when his girlfriend, Molly, is mugged in an alleyway and he is accused of the crime. Who is the mysterious woman? Will she reveal herself? And, was she responsible for the attack on Molly? Manu is desperate to know, but will he like the truth when it finally reveals itself?

Hope this helps

WL
robert d dorazi

Posts: 622
Registered: 04/20/14
Re: comparing blurbs
Posted: Oct 7, 2017 7:21 AM   in response to: Wilai Lattimore in response to: Wilai Lattimore
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Hi Wilai

Thank for taking the time to write the description. It clearly sounds like the blurb of a mystery/thriller novel that I wish I could have written, because I believe the story would definitely be a very good one, and one that would sell in its "niche" ;)
In fact, in my novel it becomes clear very early that Manu has a split personality (Sarah) and that she is responsible for all the trouble he is going through. The main part actually happens once he goes out of jail and decides he must marry her. :)


Best

Robert

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