Bookshelf | Reports | Community | KDP Select

Home » Amazon KDP Support » Voice of the Author / Publisher » Voice of the Author / Publisher

Thread: Feedback please


Reply to this Thread Reply to this Thread Search Forum Search Forum Back to Thread List Back to Thread List

Permlink Replies: 21 - Pages: 2 [ 1 2 | Next ] - Last Post: Nov 2, 2017 2:01 PM Last Post By: C. Gold
Sameer.T

Posts: 17
Registered: 10/11/17
Feedback please
Posted: Oct 29, 2017 11:13 PM
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
(original post deleted)
I deleted my book. But I will come back with a professionally translated version.

Edited by: Sameer.T on Nov 2, 2017 9:43 AM
Mrs Julia Evans

Posts: 643
Registered: 05/22/16
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 12:20 AM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Sameer.T wrote:
Hi,
I recently published my first book in English. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076YXS696
Seeking advice and feedback to improvise this book.

Sameer,

You've been a member here for at least two weeks, so you really should have learned by now that by putting up this sort of post, you're inviting the great and the good (plus me, as I'm neither) to rip your soul out as they tell you EXACTLY what is wrong with your book!

Fortunately for you, I've tried both the com and the UK sites, and your look inside doesn't appear to be working yet. No doubt when it goes live later, someone will give you feedback on the content, whether you still want it or not.

For now, as you've asked, I'll tell you what's wrong with your cover and blurb;

WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT PEOPLE? You need to go back IMMEDIATELY and get rid of the capital letters. Your title and blurb should be in lower case.

It all needs editing, too, as there are spelling mistakes and punctuation errors, and you have multiple tense errors (I was pretty tense myself reading your blurb!) jumping between past and present.

While you're at it, you might just want to re-write it altogether, as it's as dull as ditch-water. You want to entice your readers in, not send them to sleep. As to the idea that gamers will like your story, gamers generally like a bit of pace and action. That's not what your blurb promises.

Nothing in your blurb flows as there's not a comma in sight. Just a bunch of short sentences telling the reader what they'll feel when they read the book. 'You will enjoy this story.." "It will capture your imagination... make you feel intelligent and ask you to think more." On their own, those sentences are pointless, unless you tell them WHY it will capture their imagination... etc.

Your cover would be better suited to a book on mechanical engineering.

I'm sorry, Sameer, but your blurb screams 'poor translation' and promises the reader that they're going to get more of the same inside your book. I may be completely wrong (doubtful, but it has been known) but I have a feeling that's exactly what my fellow posters will find when your LI goes live.

Just my thoughts. J

FYI - Your post should say 'improve this book' not 'improvise this book'. You might want to fix that as well.

gwythyr

Posts: 491
Registered: 12/06/11
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 12:20 AM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I think you mean improve.
Sameer.T

Posts: 17
Registered: 10/11/17
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 1:02 AM   in response to: Mrs Julia Evans in response to: Mrs Julia Evans
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Thanks Mrs Julia Evans
I really appreciate your willingness to take a look at my book.


You've been a member here for at least two weeks, so you really should have learned by now that by putting up this sort of post, you're inviting the great and the good (plus me, as I'm neither) to rip your soul out as they tell you EXACTLY what is wrong with your book!

I am aware of the feedback thing going here. But I don’t mind if it is going to rip my soul out or not. All I seek some advice and critiques. I respect this community.


Fortunately for you, I've tried both the com and the UK sites, and your look inside doesn't appear to be working yet. No doubt when it goes live later, someone will give you feedback on the content, whether you still want it or not.

I published this book on Amazon.in, I think that may be the problem. I checked the title, and it is available there. I wasn’t aware of the preview.


For now, as you've asked, I'll tell you what's wrong with your cover and blurb;

WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT PEOPLE? You need to go back IMMEDIATELY and get rid of the capital letters. Your title and blurb should be in lower case.

I realized it after publishing. I changed the capital letters. But I was waiting for feedback, so that I can make changes at once.


It all needs editing, too, as there are spelling mistakes and punctuation errors, and you have multiple tense errors (I was pretty tense myself reading your blurb!) jumping between past and present.

I apologize, English is not my primary language and I am not that much fluent in grammar. I will ask someone to fix that.


While you're at it, you might just want to re-write it altogether, as it's as dull as ditch-water. You want to entice your readers in, not send them to sleep. As to the idea that gamers will like your story, gamers generally like a bit of pace and action. That's not what your blurb promises.

I am going to rewrite all from scratch.


Nothing in your blurb flows as there's not a comma in sight. Just a bunch of short sentences telling the reader what they'll feel when they read the book. 'You will enjoy this story.." "It will capture your imagination... make you feel intelligent and ask you to think more." On their own, those sentences are pointless, unless you tell them WHY it will capture their imagination... etc.

Will remove these part also.


Your cover would be better suited to a book on mechanical engineering.


Definitely, I am going to work on Cover art. When I put this cover I thought that it will match with the story. Well, I realized that cover needs to be attractive.

I'm sorry, Sameer, but your blurb screams 'poor translation' and promises the reader that they're going to get more of the same inside your book. I may be completely wrong (doubtful, but it has been known) but I have a feeling that's exactly what my fellow posters will find when your LI goes live.


I feel the same thing. I translated this book from Malayalam, my native language. I am not fluent in English, but I tried my best to make it readable as possible. I will hire someone to edit my book.
First of all, I want to make sure whether this book has a slight chance in the market or not. If people are going to like this book (???) I will hire someone professional to edit this book.


Just my thoughts. J
FYI - Your post should say 'improve this book' not 'improvise this book'. You might want to fix that as well.

Thanks. I changed it.

Edited by: Sameer.T on Oct 30, 2017 1:07 AM

Edited by: Sameer.T on Nov 1, 2017 2:42 AM

Sameer.T

Posts: 17
Registered: 10/11/17
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 1:03 AM   in response to: gwythyr in response to: gwythyr
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
gwythyr wrote:
I think you mean improve.
Yes. Thanks.
jake ellwood

Posts: 53
Registered: 08/17/16
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 4:46 AM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
The time to 'improve' your book is before it is put up for sale. The 'look inside' is not working yet, but the blurb is almost completely unintelligible due to syntax and logic errors. Same goes for the title. This will not sell in the U.S., and probably nowhere else. Offering an unedited manuscript by a non-native English speaker is not going to have very many sales.

Here is the advice you asked for. Change the title, get the ms edited by a native English speaker, get a cover designed by someone familiar with book covers. Write a blurb that intrigues the reader to want to know more about your story.
C. Gold

Posts: 509
Registered: 02/17/15
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 4:50 AM   in response to: jake ellwood in response to: jake ellwood
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Good advice. I'll also give feedback on the Look Inside whenever Amazon gets whatever process going that displays that. I'm also having the same issue on my books that I just released or updated and it's been longer than usual (or seems that way).
Sameer.T

Posts: 17
Registered: 10/11/17
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 5:30 AM   in response to: jake ellwood in response to: jake ellwood
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
jake ellwood wrote:
The time to 'improve' your book is before it is put up for sale. The 'look inside' is not working yet, but the blurb is almost completely unintelligible due to syntax and logic errors. Same goes for the title. This will not sell in the U.S., and probably nowhere else. Offering an unedited manuscript by a non-native English speaker is not going to have very many sales.

Here is the advice you asked for. Change the title, get the ms edited by a native English speaker, get a cover designed by someone familiar with book covers. Write a blurb that intrigues the reader to want to know more about your story.


Thanks, Jake Ellwood
I am taking all of your advice seriously.
I don’t know why the ‘look inside’ is not available yet. My book status is 'live' for more than 20 hours.
On Amazon.in ‘Look inside works fine’. Maybe other servers need more time to update?

Can you tell me more about the title? Do I need to change it completely or make it short?
I didn’t pay much attention to the cover designing part. I will change it.
Can you suggest someone who can do proper editing to my manuscript? I mean a paid service.

Blurb. I will change.
Sameer.T

Posts: 17
Registered: 10/11/17
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Oct 30, 2017 5:32 AM   in response to: C. Gold in response to: C. Gold
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
C. Gold wrote:
Good advice. I'll also give feedback on the Look Inside whenever Amazon gets whatever process going that displays that. I'm also having the same issue on my books that I just released or updated and it's been longer than usual (or seems that way).

Thanks C. Gold
C. Gold

Posts: 509
Registered: 02/17/15
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Nov 1, 2017 11:56 AM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I looked up in the KDP help and they say it takes up to 3 business days to get the Look Inside to show up. So hopefully after today, our books will show the Look Inside.
writerbn

Posts: 5,244
Registered: 05/12/12
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Nov 1, 2017 1:51 PM   in response to: C. Gold in response to: C. Gold
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
C. Gold wrote:
I looked up in the KDP help and they say it takes up to 3 business days to get the Look Inside to show up. So hopefully after today, our books will show the Look Inside.
Don't hold your breath. If you published last week, it will take at least a week, possibly longer.
resteasy

Posts: 784
Registered: 07/02/12
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Nov 1, 2017 6:47 PM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Your blurb relates to something about magnetic shoes, but your look inside waffles independently of what a reader might expect to hook them into this scenario. Also your format is nothing like a book layout. CHILD 1. CHILD 2 speech quotes are more like, though not exactly, the layout for a play manuscript. You need to study book formatting, speech marks and - dare I say it - encapsulating your blurb into the essence of your story as well as, essentially, captivating writing. Your intro left me thinking drop a lot of the meandering arty farty description and get on with the story.
C. Gold

Posts: 509
Registered: 02/17/15
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Nov 1, 2017 10:22 PM   in response to: resteasy in response to: resteasy
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Oh wow, I see the Look Inside finally manifested. In addition to what resteasy said, I'll add the following:

The first sentence mixes a coma with a hyphen to block off a descriptive noun clause which is a no no. If you are using an em dash (two hyphens, no spaces before and after, as a comma replacement, then use it in both spots to replace the comma. as in : It was a beautiful place--Garmento--a village... or use commas but not one of each.

Also that sentence is awkwardly phrased.

You also use beautiful THREE times in the first paragraph - also a no no.
Instead of saying how beautiful it is, describe it in words that show that to the reader.

Plus you capitalize Mountains but that's not a proper noun.

SAMPLE: The village of Garmento nestled snugly in the valley between the majestic, snow covered mountains on one side and the fog enshrouded Helppo hills on the other.

The roofs - a house only has one roof. Also, once again show the reader the financial status of a family based on the construction. You drop that but say nothing about whether the house is richly adorned or a shack. This sentence is just plopped there with no support at all.

tulips garden - uh, in the US we call it a tulip garden (singular).

This entire paragraph describing Henri is a series of sentence fragments, some of which don't make sense.

A fourteen year old tall and white boy. Fragment here. This sentence has no object.

He had long copper hair, which kept lazily. ??? WHAT ???

They were unsuccessfully... Where did we pick up another person? THEY did a lot of things... but that makes no sense since it's just Henri here.
Sometimes they skipped their feet and fell his forehead... Are you talking about his bangs? His hair? In that case, hair has no feet and you mean fell ON his forehead.

Oh this makes the boy hideous - Just below the eyebrows, there were tiny and slightly reddened eyes (eww), brown eyeballs (he's a ghoul!), a little big (? confused, is it little or big?) and lengthy nose, minute rows of copper fur (so he's hairy as an animal? eww), his mustache (at 14? No way) and only visible if looked thoroughly. (very bad phrasing)

Open ears and long face? LOL. I'm guessing this was all Google translated? Long face = sad. Open ears... no clue what that's supposed to mean.

How could be they were so beautiful? Again, must be a translator because this isn't worded correctly. How could it be he was so beautiful? And once again you use beautiful. You need to find a few synonyms for that word. Plus what you described the boy as didn't come across as beautiful to me.

I'm not going to go through the rest of this. It is very obvious you need to find an editor who can help translate your non-native English to something a native speaker would find acceptable. And they can also correct the numerous grammar and word choice mistakes you've made.

Hope all that helps and don't get discouraged, just get an editor and good luck!
campcomms

Posts: 270
Registered: 03/03/12
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Nov 2, 2017 6:53 AM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Henri tightened the shoes and walked here and there in the room. When it came to a particular part, the magnetic shoe repelled from the floor and the hybrid one attracted. He examined that part on the floor. There was nothing but only that attraction and repulsion. He stood in the same area like before. The left foot was strongly attracted to the floor, and the right foot was repelled. He stood there for a while thinking about it. All of a sudden, the attraction and repulsion force became stronger and stronger. He lost his balance. He felt his right foot pushed away while the left one is pulled to the floor strongly.

Nobody in their right mind would purchase and try to read a book by an author who published this as his teaser intro.

But then you published your book, didn't you, Sameer? Enough said.
Mrs Julia Evans

Posts: 643
Registered: 05/22/16
Re: Feedback please
Posted: Nov 2, 2017 8:07 AM   in response to: Sameer.T in response to: Sameer.T
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Sameer,

I hate to say this, but the inside of your book is even worse that I anticipated, and believe me, my expectations were far from high.

You have no grasp of even the basics of the English language, let alone any of the subtleties.

Your sentences are, quite frankly ridiculous, and I struggle to think they could have made any more sense when you wrote them (presumably in your own language).

Some of this has already been explained by C Gold, so this will just be adding a little more meat to the bones, possibly by pointing out how preposterous some of your statements are.

I'll use one single paragraph to demonstrate;

Henri was sitting in the tulips garden behind the house.
Tulip garden - not tulips garden. You are referring to the variety of flower, not the number. It should be singular.
A fourteen year old tall and white boy.
A 'tall and white boy'? If you want to describe him, that's not how you would normally group the words together. You could say he was 'a tall, white boy' - but not 'tall and white'.
He had long copper hair, which kept lazily.
How is hair lazy? Scruffy or unkempt maybe? But lazy?
They were unsuccessfully trying to keep pace with the dancing tulips flowers.
Who are 'They'? Plus, hair is a collective word, so is singular when you're referring to the whole thing, rather than 'a few hairs'. 'It was unsuccessfully trying...'. You also don't need to say 'tulips flowers'. Just 'tulips' will do. Anyone who knows what a tulip is doesn't need to be told it's a flower. You don't refer to 'men humans', do you?
Sometimes they skipped their feet and fell his forehead.
Are you still talking about his hair? This is a ridiculous statement. Hair doesn't have feet!
Small and thick eyebrows added beauty to his forehead.
Eyebrows just add hair to your forehead, not beauty, and technically they add it to your brow, not your forehead.
Just below the eyebrows, there were tiny and slightly reddened eyes, brown eyeballs, a little big and lengthy nose, minute rows of copper fur, his mustache and only visible if I looked thoroughly.
One long sentence of nonsense. Why were his eyes tiny? Were they abnormally small? Were his whole eyeballs brown? My irises are brown, but the rest of my eyeball is white. And how can you have a 'little big nose'? It's either little or big. And it might be 'long' but it wouldn't be 'lengthy'. And 'minute rows of copper fur, his moustache and only visible if I looked thoroughly.' It's hair, not fur, although as I'm guessing you're highlighting his youth, I'd probably accept 'fuzz'. But whatever you call it, a 'moustache' does not grow in rows. It would look ridiculous if it did. You would look at it 'carefully', but not 'thoroughly'.
Cherished lips, apple cheeks, with open ears and long face.
Who cherished his lips? Or do you mean 'cherry red' lips? 'Apples'? Were his cheeks green? How do you 'open' your ears? A 'long face'? Not particularly attractive then, but I'll accept it as a description.
How could be they were so beautiful?
Nothing you have described is 'beautiful'. And why have we jumped to 'they'? Who else are we talking about?
Certainly, he was a clone of his mother.
Seriously? His mother has a ginger moustache?

Ok, that's enough nit-picking. By now you should have clearly received the message. I don't mean to be harsh, but we're not talking about a few errors that need correcting, we're talking about a whole book that needs re-writing and editing.

I strongly recommend that you un-publish your book while you get it edited by someone who actually speaks English. Either that, or you keep it published in your own language and forget about an English language edition.

We both know that's not going to happen, but it would be the best thing, both for your book, and for Amazon's customers. But it's your book, so you can do as you please with it.

I just hope you take the advice offered (by all) and work to improve your English before publishing again. Using a translation service like Google is a recipe for disaster.

Good luck. J
Legend
Helpful Answer
Correct Answer

Point your RSS reader here for a feed of the latest messages in all forums