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Thread: Honest opinion wanted


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Permlink Replies: 41 - Pages: 3 [ Previous | 1 2 3 ] - Last Post: Nov 12, 2017 7:46 PM Last Post By: Salamander Mall...
andreea danciu

Posts: 12
Registered: 10/27/17
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 8, 2017 3:22 PM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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Thank you everyone for your sugestions, I knew it was a good idea to post here.
C. Gold, I want to say sorry again, it waa not my intention to insult you.
C. Gold

Posts: 512
Registered: 02/17/15
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 8, 2017 3:51 PM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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No problem. I think we all learned a valuable lesson about communicating across the murky language barrier. I look forward to seeing the edited version.
Brad the wronger

Posts: 171
Registered: 07/13/17
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 8, 2017 4:04 PM   in response to: Mrs Julia Evans in response to: Mrs Julia Evans
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O

M

G

I agree with Julia. (This time.) :)

Andreea, the sentence Julia highlighted is 34 words long, much too long. Either shorten it or divide it into two sentences.

'harsh and conditions' and 'dangers' are nearly the same. Get rid of one.
Everything after 'that made him' is redundant. Harsh conditions and danger are life threatening, at least in this story.
'he had to' is too many words.

Because of the danger he faced daily, he had developed powerful survival instincts.

Now, give a quick example of an act or moment when he lost control.

It wasn't all that long ago when he took a swing at someone merely tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.

It was only the week before when he decked a stranger in an alley that he thought was following him. It turned out to be a store clerk taking the trash out.
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 466
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 8, 2017 5:58 PM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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Guys slow down, he is not touching any gun, he is more like a wild animal in those moments.

Guns are merely an example that immediately comes to mind. Let's just say that my life experience predisposes me to think in terms of guns. People possessing this mindset may instead use fists, beer bottles, sticks, etc. They might carry e.g. a switchblade instead of a pistol, etc, in order to make themselves feel safe,or they may be expert martial artists comfortable being unarmed. They might scream and cry and visibly "lose it," or they may turn brutally cold, calculating and utterly emotionless. They may display the classic "thousand-yard stare" or even, on a temporary basis for an extreme case, the flat affect of a psychopath.

All of these things are person- and culture-dependent. Much is the product of training and experience. The key factor that remains common is the battle mind, with its instant resort to violence, even lethal violence, as the de-facto first solution to any threat or problem, and its division of the world into the three categories of Object to Be Destroyed, Object to Be Protected and Object to Be Ignored. This mindset is a vital survival asset on the battlefield and in other extreme environments. It is also, potentially, a crippling problem in the normal civilian world.
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 466
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 8, 2017 6:20 PM   in response to: Mrs Julia Evans in response to: Mrs Julia Evans
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If this is the romantic lead character, he could definitely use some work.

I understand the attraction of the 'bad-boy' aspect, but taken to the extreme, what's to like or relate to? It's great when the heroine finds the guy that's going to protect her and give her the courage to face the world. Not so great when she should fear him more than the world.

Au contraire, this is something that some women find extremely attractive. I am immediately reminded of a very brave, highly capable military intelligence officer I once had the pleasure to work with, who once told me that she could never be attracted to a man whom she did not, on some level, fear. Needless to say, her dating tastes ran toward SOF operators. I sometimes did wonder whether it was her taste in men that caused her to choose her specific line of work...

It is a fairly well-known fact that when Fear-Up Heavy is applied by a male interrogator toward a female subject, the subject becomes sexually aroused in at least 10% of cases. Under some circumstances and in some cultures, you can safely quintuple that figure. There is a whole category of romance where the man is a Very Very Scary Dude, and the woman brings out his soft side and makes him into a better man. There is also the whole question of what, exactly, she is being protected from. It's one thing if your danger is breaking a fingernail while carrying a shopping bag to your car. It's another thing altogether if your danger is being kidnapped by gangsters, tortured and murdered.

Men of this type become most attractive in situations where the battle mind stops being a burden and suddenly becomes an asset. The most attractive of all are the ones who can turn the battle mind on and off at will (My name is Bond. James Bond).

A million years of evolution have predisposed the human female to recognize a male operating under the battle mind condition, and to deploy coping mechanisms and survival strategies designed to move herself rapidly and firmly into the category of Object to Be Protected. Hence come stress romance and, in extreme cases, Stockholm Syndrome. Note that the same evolutionary pressures have shaped the human male to be responsive to said strategies. Plenty of romantic literary potential here.
Traveler321

Posts: 207
Registered: 10/01/16
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 8, 2017 8:50 PM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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..
Ned Kelly

Posts: 1,096
Registered: 09/05/15
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 9, 2017 12:01 AM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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Andreea, most of it's been said already - I started ready the "Look Inside" and was just slightly put off by the description of your birth that made you sound like a cannon ball. I'm not normally prudish but I think out of respect for your mother she could be likened to something other than an 88mm Krupp artillery piece.

I'd suggest a good editor and you'll learn a lot in the process.

All the best

Ned
steven morris

Posts: 578
Registered: 12/31/14
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 9, 2017 2:33 AM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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Why don't you just write and publish the book in your own language? Surely there must be some sort of market?
C. Gold

Posts: 512
Registered: 02/17/15
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 9, 2017 8:56 AM   in response to: andreea danciu in response to: andreea danciu
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I'm impressed that got past the mod thingy while random silly words trigger it.
I wouldn't want to write that kind of negativity either.
blaze99

Posts: 170
Registered: 02/23/12
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 9, 2017 1:19 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
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That's actually 300,000 years of evolution.

Edited by: blaze99 on Nov 9, 2017 1:20 PM
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 466
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 9, 2017 2:03 PM   in response to: blaze99 in response to: blaze99
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That's actually 300,000 years of evolution.

No. The battle mind predates Homo sapiens, and considerably so. Much of it is about routing the paralimbic directly into behavior, bypassing slow higher judgment filters to achieve immediate response to threatening stimuli. Homo habilis or Homo erectus couldn't reason or negotiate with the sabertooth tiger any more than a modern soldier can reason or negotiate with the enemy trying to kill him. We can argue about habilis, but erectus was certainly human. The paralimbic itself is the lizard brain. It's a good 250 million years old.

A man functioning in the battle mind condition is directly channeling his inner Primordial Beast. He has, quite literally, turned into an animal. Forget full moons. Real-life werewolves wear medals and colored berets. They don't turn at the golden light of the luminary. They turn at the click of a locking web gear buckle, at the sound of an assault rifle chambering a round, at the buzz of the bullet passing within millimeters of the helmet. And sometimes they simply don't turn back.

Forget silver bullets, too. The strategies the female uses to tame the Beast were already old when Homo erectus was a newcomer to the scene. The only thing that has happened since is that we humans have learned to kill things with much better efficiency, leading to the situation where the greatest threat to humans are other humans. But even that was true by the neolithic, when we invented bows and arrows and started hunting competing super predators to extinction.
Salamander Mall...

Posts: 344
Registered: 10/16/17
Re: Honest opinion wanted
Posted: Nov 12, 2017 7:45 PM   in response to: Moshe Ben-Or in response to: Moshe Ben-Or
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Moshe Ben-Or wrote:
That's actually 300,000 years of evolution.

No. The battle mind predates Homo sapiens, and considerably so. Much of it is about routing the paralimbic directly into behavior, bypassing slow higher judgment filters to achieve immediate response to threatening stimuli. Homo habilis or Homo erectus couldn't reason or negotiate with the sabertooth tiger any more than a modern soldier can reason or negotiate with the enemy trying to kill him. We can argue about habilis, but erectus was certainly human. The paralimbic itself is the lizard brain. It's a good 250 million years old.

A man functioning in the battle mind condition is directly channeling his inner Primordial Beast. He has, quite literally, turned into an animal. Forget full moons. Real-life werewolves wear medals and colored berets. They don't turn at the golden light of the luminary. They turn at the click of a locking web gear buckle, at the sound of an assault rifle chambering a round, at the buzz of the bullet passing within millimeters of the helmet. And sometimes they simply don't turn back.

Forget silver bullets, too. The strategies the female uses to tame the Beast were already old when Homo erectus was a newcomer to the scene. The only thing that has happened since is that we humans have learned to kill things with much better efficiency, leading to the situation where the greatest threat to humans are other humans. But even that was true by the neolithic, when we invented bows and arrows and started hunting competing super predators to extinction.


Yes, A.E. van Vogt was certainly a great writer.
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