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Permlink Replies: 45 - Pages: 4 [ 1 2 3 4 | Next ] - Last Post: Nov 28, 2017 3:10 PM Last Post By: Laura
osifo chioma

Posts: 35
Registered: 10/11/14
Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 6:36 AM
 
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I posted a few days ago and I am back again with a new( and i hope, improved) blurb.
Thank you all in advance

Unforgivable Sin explores the devastation of loss, the pain of unrequited love and the power of forgiveness.

After enduring the most difficult childhood, Meredith Zanos is ready to start a new life free of the shackles of the past. But when she is convicted of three murders, the walls of her well-plastered future come crashing down. Instead of the freedom she craves, Meredith spends the next six years in prison.
She returns home and is confronted by the heir of the family she murdered, Brody Mazagli. He gives her an ultimatum, Meredith either marries him for two years to fulfill an obligation to his dead father or he continues to fight her early release.
She struggles to adapt to life as an unwanted wife, suffering two years of Brody’s revenge, the scorn of the small town and her own crippling guilt. Now there’s a chasm between them, filled with lies, deceit, and murder. Meredith wants to find a way to forgiveness, and possibly, a loving marriage.
But as she uncovers the secret behind the murders, Meredith finds the truth maybe more threatening to the marriage and the man she loves.
Mrs Julia Evans

Posts: 871
Registered: 05/22/16
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 8:36 AM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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Osifo,

As blurbs go, I didn't hate it... but there are a few points which would put me off buying the story;

After enduring the most difficult childhood, Meredith Zanos is ready to start a new life free of the shackles of the past. But when she is convicted of three murders, the walls of her well-plastered future come crashing down. Instead of the freedom she craves, Meredith spends the next six years in prison.

Firstly, I think her world would come crashing down long before she was convicted. Possibly when she was 'arrested' would be a better word.
Secondly, did she actually murder them, or did she inadve*rtently or accidently kill them, say in an auto accident? That would need to be defin*ed for me.
Thirdly, why would she only be in prison for six years? For a triple murder, I would expect someone to go away for life. This needs clarification.
Lastly, they would be 'well-plastered walls...', not 'walls of her well-plastered future'. You don't have a 'well-plastered future'. In fact, scratch that sentence altogether. Just say her 'world is crashing down around her'.

She returns home and is confronted by the heir of the family she murdered, Brody Mazagli. He gives her an ultimatum, Meredith either marries him for two years to fulfill an oblig*ation to his dead father or he continues to fight her early release.

This doesn't sound right. If she's confronted by the bereaved family, that would suggest she's already out of prison. What good would it do for Brody to keep fighting something that's already happened?

She struggles to adapt to life as an unwanted wife, suffering two years of Brody’s revenge, the scorn of the small town and her own crippling guilt. Now there’s a chasm between them, filled with lies, deceit, and murder. Meredith wants to find a way to forgiveness, and possibly, a loving marriage.

Filled with 'lies and deceit.' End the sentence there, and take the 'and murder' out unless you're referring to a completely new murder, and not the one mentioned above.

But as she uncovers the secret behind the murders, Meredith finds the truth maybe more threatening to the marriage and the man she loves.

Again, are we talking about the deaths she was imprisoned for? Clarifica*tion please?

As I said at the outset, I didn't hate the blurb, but there are too many grey areas and inconsistencies for me to bother with the book. I like intrigue in a blurb, but this is more like confusion.

Hope that helps. J
10blade

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Registered: 08/22/11
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 1:26 PM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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My comments would be very similar to Julia's, plus these:

osifo chioma wrote:
Meredith finds the truth maybe more threatening to the marriage and the man she loves.
How did she grow to love the man who is taking revenge on her? This is a bit sudden.

her own crippling guilt.
and further down,
But as she uncovers the secret behind the murders
So did she or did she not commit the murders? Does she not know, or not remember, or something else? Mystery is good, but it's not the same as lack of clarity.
osifo chioma

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Registered: 10/11/14
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 1:51 PM   in response to: Mrs Julia Evans in response to: Mrs Julia Evans
 
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Thanks so much. I will address the issues and repost. Thanks again
osifo chioma

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Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 1:51 PM   in response to: 10blade in response to: 10blade
 
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Thanks so much
Wilai Lattimore

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Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 2:00 PM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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For me, there's simply too much detail. I'm reading and thinking What? What? what? WTF? Blurbs should be Succinct, not the whole complicated story (Which doesn't make sense anyway).
resteasy

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Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 5:45 PM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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It's incredibly confusing. The woman is released from prison, but she's given an ultimatum in order to help secure her early release. I'd take it back to the drawing board and think about a logical sequence of events. It's difficult to offer advice on blurb when the storylines are all over the place.
osifo chioma

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Registered: 10/11/14
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 7:45 PM   in response to: resteasy in response to: resteasy
 
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Thank you all for the suggestions.
osifo chioma

Posts: 35
Registered: 10/11/14
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 24, 2017 7:55 PM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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Thanks so much for all your comments. So this is what I came up with.

Unforgivable Sin explores the devastation of loss, the pain of unrequited love and the power of forgiveness.

Sixteen year old Meredith Zanos’ difficult life has had one light-- her crush on Brody Mazagli. From the moment Brody’s father helped the homeless Meredith and her father and gifted them a cabin, she fell in love with the influential family. But Meredith’s home hides a dark and twisted secret. She plans her escape and is ready to start a new life free of the shackles of the past.
Her world come crashing down when she walks into a scene that changes her life forever. Her father, Mr and Mrs Mazagli all lay dead. When the police arrives, they find Meredith seated beside the bodies with her fingerprints on the murder weapon. But Meredith has zero recollection of the crime or the events leading up to her walk to the Mazagli house. Instead of the freedom she craves, Meredith faces a lifetime in prison.
Six years later, Meredith is released due to circumstantial evidence, she returns home and is confronted by Brody Mazagli. He gives her an ultimatum from his late father, Meredith either marries him for two years and help him secure his inheritance or he would use his considerable influence to fight her early release.
Meredith sees this as a chance to seek atonement.
She struggles to adapt to life as an unwanted wife, suffering two years of Brody’s revenge, the scorn of the small town and her own crippling guilt. Now there’s a chasm between them, filled with lies and deceit. Meredith wants to find a way to forgiveness, and possibly, a loving marriage.
But as she uncovers the secret behind the murders she’d suffered for, Meredith finds the truth maybe more threatening to the marriage and the man she loves.

Mrs Julia Evans

Posts: 871
Registered: 05/22/16
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 25, 2017 2:49 AM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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I think you're giving away too much of the story. (Plus, you still have some mistakes.)

How about this;

Sixteen year old Meredith Zanos’ has already lived a difficult life, but for the last couple of years, there's been one glimmer of light - Brody Mazagli.
From the moment Brody’s father helped the homeless Meredith and her father, and gifted them a cabin, she fell in love with the influential family, and Brody specifically.
Her world comes crashing down the day she walks into Brody's house to find her own father, and Brody's parents, lying dead on the floor. When the police arrive, they find Meredith collapsed beside the bodies, with her fingerprints on the murder weapon. But Meredith has zero recollection of the crime, or the events leading up to her walk to the Mazagli house. With all the evid*ence pointing towards her, Meredith faces a lifetime in prison.
Six years later, Meredith is released following a successful retrial/appeal, and returns home, only to be confronted by an angry Brody Mazagli. He gives her an ultim*atum. Meredith either marries him for two years, to help him secure his inheritance, or he'll do everything he can to get her locked up again.
Not knowing the truth about their parents' deaths, Meredith sees this as a chance to move on, and if necessary, seek atonement. Maybe even build a relationship with her unwilling husband.
After suffering two years of Brody’s animosity, Meredith just wants to find a way to forgiveness, and possibly a loving marriage with the man she's adored for a decade. She knows he's not unaffected by her, but is an unwanted attraction enough to change what's in his heart?
As she slowly discovers the truth behind the murders, Meredith discovers something that may be far more threatening to their marriage and the man she loves.
But there’s still this chasm between them, filled with sadness, lies and deceit.
Is it too late? Too much?

Ok, I don't know what the circum*stances are, and why she was released, but just saying 'circum*stantial evidence' was a bit flimsy. You'll have to fill in where I put retrial/appeal.

This is just how I'd reword it, but you'll notice by what I've taken out, that I've stopped you telling readers the whole story before they've even bought the book. (Just ignore the asterisks - my attempt at avoiding being modded - again!)

Over to you. J
Cynthia E. Hurst

Posts: 1,843
Registered: 02/25/13
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 25, 2017 2:57 AM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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The problem is not the blurb -- it's the plot itself. If Meredith didn't commit the murders, as you suggest, why is she trying to atone for them? How can Brody block her release from prison when it's already happened? How can she be 'forced' to marry someone and be an 'unwanted wife' when her husband is the one she had a crush on and is described as the man she loves? Those are just a few of the questions potential readers might reasonably ask before shaking their heads and moving on.
osifo chioma

Posts: 35
Registered: 10/11/14
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 25, 2017 4:25 AM   in response to: Mrs Julia Evans in response to: Mrs Julia Evans
 
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Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate
osifo chioma

Posts: 35
Registered: 10/11/14
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 25, 2017 4:50 AM   in response to: Cynthia E. Hurst in response to: Cynthia E. Hurst
 
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She still has no recollection of the murders after six years. Given how much the Mazaglis helped them, she feels very guilty. Brody can't block her release, but with the overwhelming evidence against her, he holds her responsible for the murders.

Edited by: osifo chioma on Nov 25, 2017 6:26 AM
Diana Persaud

Posts: 2,696
Registered: 10/07/13
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 25, 2017 7:42 AM   in response to: osifo chioma in response to: osifo chioma
 
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Maybe it would help for you to define the genre for us.
Also, where on this planet is this happening?

There are too many inconsistencies in your plot for it to be believable. Even for Fiction.
osifo chioma

Posts: 35
Registered: 10/11/14
Re: Blurb help
Posted: Nov 25, 2017 8:33 AM   in response to: Diana Persaud in response to: Diana Persaud
 
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Romantic suspense and I chose a fictional town
Legend
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