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Thread: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.


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Permlink Replies: 6 - Pages: 1 - Last Post: Jun 12, 2012 10:43 PM Last Post By: andresanthomas
ilove2readrache...

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Registered: 04/25/12
Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 8:02 PM
 
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I am a new writer. I had some constructive criticism given to me by some reviews. I took my book off line and revised it a lot. Would some of you prove me with feedback on the book now. I want to be the best I can. Thanks.
ilove2readrache...

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Registered: 04/25/12
Re: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 8:08 PM   in response to: ilove2readrache... in response to: ilove2readrache...
 
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Sorry, I am an idiot. The name of my book is Rescuing Lily by Rachelle Kelley.
dale2118

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Registered: 05/10/11
Re: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 8:08 PM   in response to: ilove2readrache... in response to: ilove2readrache...
 
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Link?
ilove2readrache...

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Registered: 04/25/12
Re: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 8:12 PM   in response to: dale2118 in response to: dale2118
 
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andresanthomas

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Re: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 8:42 PM   in response to: ilove2readrache... in response to: ilove2readrache...
 
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I don't know what it was like before, but assuming what's in the preview is the new version, it still needs work. Get someone else to work on it for you.

And if you resize your cover to a more rectangular shape, the girl's face wouldn't come out looking a bit pinched, like the sides of the cover have been pushed in and elongated it a bit. You also need a more clear and simple font in a different color so that your title and author name can be read in the thumbnail and page view sizes.
ilove2readrache...

Posts: 9
Registered: 04/25/12
Re: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 8:47 PM   in response to: andresanthomas in response to: andresanthomas
 
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Thanks for answering. Could you elaborate a little more on the first part of your reply? I don't know how to go about it. I want to be the best at anything I do and I have bought several books on how to improve my writing and I have been reading them and trying to follow the advice.

I will definately work on the cover.
andresanthomas

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Registered: 01/01/12
Re: Opinion on a revision for a new writer.
Posted: Jun 12, 2012 10:40 PM   in response to: ilove2readrache... in response to: ilove2readrache...
 
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You need to take a class. Your community college should have one.

Your sentences just aren't constructed properly. They ramble and change topics two or three times. You change tenses multiple times in most sentences.

Your sequencing is all over the place so the story you're trying to tell us is lost. For example, this whole sequence about her getting dressed and getting to work late. She's in the office typing, then she's back at home still getting dressed, then she's got a dead cell phone from the night before, then she's getting dressed, then she's getting there late... And- most importantly, we don't care. You could sum the whole thing up in a line or two about her rushing in late and been done. Instead that goes on for 5 (very long) paragraphs.

On the topic of paragraphs, those are (like your sentences) not constructed properly. Like your sentences, they're changing topics multiple times.

Then there's an issue with the concept of "show versus tell" and info dumping.

There's a redundancy problem. The whole thing starting with the flat tire for example. Within 3 sentences you said "flat" 5 times and tire twice.

Your dialogue sucks. It just doesn't sound like even possibly real people talking. Your characters actions and descriptions aren't good (she was CONFUSED when she heard the clerk being held up? What's confusing about that?)

Honestly, I could go on, but I think you see why I say you need to take some classes. There could be a good story in there, but you need a lot more work on the mechanics of story telling and the technicalities of how things are constructed before we can find it.
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