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Thread: Critique the 'blurb' for my books please


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Permlink Replies: 2 - Pages: 1 - Last Post: Jun 20, 2012 5:05 PM Last Post By: jeanetteraleigh
anthonysunderland

Posts: 8
Registered: 06/20/12
Critique the 'blurb' for my books please
Posted: Jun 20, 2012 2:45 PM
 
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Hi, I would really appreciate all feedback on the sales blurb I've put together for my first 4 books before I actually release them.

I've put a page up with the cover image and blurb for each one.
http://www.anthonysunderland.com/blurb.htm

It's being tough getting all the editing and formatting done right, sometimes the TOCs just wouldn't work. So now I'm ready to go on Sunday and any suggestions would be great.

thanks in advance

Tony

diamondlifestyle

Posts: 4,193
Registered: 07/02/11
Re: Critique the 'blurb' for my books please
Posted: Jun 20, 2012 3:07 PM   in response to: anthonysunderland in response to: anthonysunderland
 
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Like the covers!

'59
You go from first person to third person. Confusing. You also change tense a couple of times. How about something like:

When Mission Commander Donald Lewis set off on a voyage to a new solar system, he promised his daughter Janine one thing: that he would return before her twenty-first birthday. He never came back. Janine vows to discover her father's fate, no matter the cost. Her quest will take her on an epic journey, frought with peril, and will test her courage and resolve at every turn.

'59 Valiant
Changing POV and tense again. Also pointless commas (before Cindy, after cadet etc). Try something like:

Feeling betrayed and let down by her brother, twenty-year-old Janine Lewis decides to join the space academy and become an astronaut herself in order to continue her search for her missing father. Faced with hostility from the other cadets; dangerous missions and the return of her father's sister-ship, badly damaged and the crew dead, her task looks impossible. And unknown to her, her mother is keeping a terrible secret.

Destiny's Daughter
Better. Tighten it up to make it snappier, e.g. you don't need the 'she is' in the second para, put "Her first assignment...". I'd also lose the speech in the third, just put that she killed the co-pilot. Finally ditch the editorial about the series in the last para.

Destiny's Daughter Hide & Seek
Something off with your formatting there, don't just copy & paste! Otherwise it's good, just lose the comma before 'and' in the first para ("and above suspicion").

On a sweeping note, the tense and POV issues in your first two make me worried for your books...perhaps check this before publishing. Good luck!
jeanetteraleigh

Posts: 2,292
Registered: 05/30/11
Re: Critique the 'blurb' for my books please
Posted: Jun 20, 2012 5:05 PM   in response to: anthonysunderland in response to: anthonysunderland
 
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I'd cut this part...

January 24th 2059: The exploration ships Intrepid and Valiant set sail on the first mission to Proxima Centauri. Finally the stars were within our reach. We would step out onto unexplored worlds, in our quest to reach out into the galaxy in search of exciting discoveries and new life.

and this part...

The Destiny's Daughter alien mystery series will follow Dawn's adventures at the heart of the FBI’s elite alien hunters. They will investigate sightings and encounters with strange creatures, unexplained events, and experience terrifying adventures and confrontations.

The storyline sounds interesting and a just needs a bit of tightening as Diamond mentioned.
Legend
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