Bookshelf | Reports | Community | KDP Select

Home » Amazon KDP Support » Voice of the Author / Publisher » Voice of the Author / Publisher

Thread: Tentative Blurb


Reply to this Thread Reply to this Thread Search Forum Search Forum Back to Thread List Back to Thread List

Permlink Replies: 14 - Pages: 1 - Last Post: Jan 7, 2018 3:48 PM Last Post By: beachgardener
uncle1282

Posts: 1,341
Registered: 12/20/10
Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 11:17 AM
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
For "Quentin & Mickey" a World War Two Romance-Mystery

Set in a Portland Oregon shipyard right after Pearl Harbor, an upright young man, Quentin Haggerty, tired of his pre-war dalliances and determined to contribute to the war effort, begins to notice appealing things about his yard assistant, Mickey Andrews. When Mickey invites him to her family home in the swank Heights, he’s stunned by the change in her appearance from work duds. She trades a set of tires for him to investigate a stolen family heirloom. Q, as he’s often called, reluctantly accepts since he’s done some amateur sleuthing years before in the CCC camps. Thus begins a long tug of war for Q’s heart and mind, between the wholesome and beautiful Mickey and a mysterious platinum blonde torch singer Angelina, watched over by a dangerous local mob boss. Denial, blonde temptations, mob threats, Mick’s escape to Reno, and a saboteur loose in the shipyard — all stand in the way of cupid and commitment. Can love flourish with such obstacles in such a chaotic time?

Any response welcome. The novel's in deep revision now and I hope to have it out by the holidays.
Moshe Ben-Or

Posts: 597
Registered: 12/28/15
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 11:54 AM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Seems just too wordy. Long sentences. No action. Mystery and romance are not my thing, of course, but it still doesn't seem right to me.
Donna St Felix

Posts: 6,134
Registered: 09/18/13
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 12:30 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
It is very easy to ask a question in a blurb.
Per past posts from pro-authors, NEVER ask a question.
Diana Persaud

Posts: 2,714
Registered: 10/07/13
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 12:48 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
uncle1282 wrote:
For "Quentin & Mickey" a World War Two Romance-Mystery

Set in a Portland Oregon shipyard right after Pearl Harbor, an upright young man, Quentin Haggerty, tired of his pre-war dalliances and determined to contribute to the war effort, begins to notice appealing things about his yard assistant, Mickey Andrews. When Mickey invites him to her family home in the swank Heights, he’s stunned by the change in her appearance from work duds. She trades a set of tires for him to investigate a stolen family heirloom. Q, as he’s often called, reluctantly accepts since he’s done some amateur sleuthing years before in the CCC camps. Thus begins a long tug of war for Q’s heart and mind, between the wholesome and beautiful Mickey and a mysterious platinum blonde torch singer Angelina, watched over by a dangerous local mob boss. Denial, blonde temptations, mob threats, Mick’s escape to Reno, and a saboteur loose in the shipyard — all stand in the way of cupid and commitment. Can love flourish with such obstacles in such a chaotic time?

Any response welcome. The novel's in deep revision now and I hope to have it out by the holidays.


It's too wordy and doesn't read like a romance.

Check out other Romance books in your genre and see how they write their pitches. Use theirs as a model for yours.

And Paragraphs are your friend.

Also I would choose a more obviously feminine name. I thought this was a M/M romance.
Diana Persaud

Posts: 2,714
Registered: 10/07/13
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 12:49 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
my reply has been modded.
C. Gold

Posts: 1,101
Registered: 02/17/15
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 1:27 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
-Upright doesn't seem to fit when you say he's tired of his pre-war dalliances. Having dalliances makes him not upright in my thinking of that time period.
-How does noticing the yard assistant contribute to the war effort? That makes no sense.
-Q reluctantly accepts - doesn't make him sound like an exciting hero. He also sounds superficial in that he's only interested in Mickey because of her looks.
-CCC camps - don't know what those are.
-Torch singer (dunno what that is either) Angelina didn't get any mention in the blurb before she's tacked on as a potential love(?) interest. But there's no drama here. Why is he interested in her at all? Will the mob boss break his bones if he goes after her? Is she in trouble and he's trying to save her?
-That last line is just a list of things that doesn't really create any tension/interest. Blond temptations -- so the singer is just eye candy to lure him away from the wholesome path of being with Mickey? Ugh.
-The stakes are cupid and commitment? When you have a saboteur in the story, there should be stronger stakes than just the romance aspect. How about his life is in danger or maybe the woman or both?

This blurb doesn't work for romance. You don't hook the reader up with an emotional connection that shows the attraction and obstacles for a Q and M relationship. You focus on the woman's looks which is a nuclear warhead explosion waiting to happen with romance readers who are looking for stories about how the women are strong, intelligent, capable, and loved for who they are not for their bust size, body size, or hair color.

This blurb also doesn't work for mystery. You don't set up what's going on. Q reluctantly investigates a stolen heirloom. Ok... so how does that turn into a shipyard saboteur? There's no mystery setup here, just two statements that don't tie together at all with no stakes mentioned if he fails to solve the mystery.

You should research blurbs on mystery romance stories and analyze how they set them up. Pick 10 from the top selling books and see if that doesn't give you some ideas.
thrasherll

Posts: 5,079
Registered: 06/27/12
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 1:41 PM   in response to: Diana Persaud in response to: Diana Persaud
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Mine, too.
Cynthia E. Hurst

Posts: 1,851
Registered: 02/25/13
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 1:44 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Let's chop it in half and take out a lot of detail. I may have some plot points wrong, but here's my stab at it:

Following Pearl Harbor, Quentin 'Q' Haggerty is working in an Oregon shipyard when his attractive assistant Mickey asks him to investigate the theft of a family heirloom. Q thinks of himself as something of an amateur sleuth, but he's soon in over his head and torn between Mickey and the mysterious Angelina, a blonde nightclub singer who spells trouble. With threats from a mob boss, a saboteur in the shipyard and Mickey's unexplained disappearance, Q needs both brains and luck to survive and find a future with Mickey.

I agree that Mickey may be too masculine a name. I know what CCC camps are -- my uncle worked in one in the 1930s -- but younger readers may not.
Natasja

Posts: 138
Registered: 01/26/16
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 2:29 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
It's too long and too detailed, and reads more like a mystery than a romance.
A blurb should hint, but leave enough mystery to keep the reader interested.
beachgardener

Posts: 420
Registered: 06/13/11
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 20, 2017 3:10 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
uncle1282 wrote:
For "Quentin & Mickey" a World War Two Romance-Mystery

Set in a Portland Oregon shipyard right after Pearl Harbor, an upright young man, Quentin Haggerty, tired of his pre-war dalliances and determined to contribute to the war effort, begins to notice appealing things about his yard assistant, Mickey Andrews. When Mickey invites him to her family home in the swank Heights, he’s stunned by the change in her appearance from work duds. She trades a set of tires for him to investigate a stolen family heirloom. Q, as he’s often called, reluctantly accepts since he’s done some amateur sleuthing years before in the CCC camps. Thus begins a long tug of war for Q’s heart and mind, between the wholesome and beautiful Mickey and a mysterious platinum blonde torch singer Angelina, watched over by a dangerous local mob boss. Denial, blonde temptations, mob threats, Mick’s escape to Reno, and a saboteur loose in the shipyard — all stand in the way of cupid and commitment. Can love flourish with such obstacles in such a chaotic time?

Any response welcome. The novel's in deep revision now and I hope to have it out by the holidays.


Less is more - what I would suggest:
At the onset of WWII amateur sleuth Quentin Haggerty, working in a Portland ship yard, finds himself torn between wholesome co worker Mickey and blond torch singer Angelina. Denial, blonde temptation, mysterious mob threats, and a saboteur loose in the shipyard all stand in the way of cupid and commitment.

To read more than that is going to require the reader to hit the "more" tab and for the most part that just doesn't happen. Find your own voice for your blurb, but as others have suggested keep it short, don't tell all, they will get most of the rest you disclosed when they Read Inside. Sounds like an interesting WWII era mystery to me. B
Cynthia E. Hurst

Posts: 1,851
Registered: 02/25/13
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 21, 2017 1:24 AM   in response to: beachgardener in response to: beachgardener
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I like your take on the blurb. I was trying to bring in more of the romantic element, but for all we know, Mickey 'escapes' to Reno to become a croupier and Q never sees her again.
uncle1282

Posts: 1,341
Registered: 12/20/10
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 21, 2017 4:29 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
I thank you all for your responses. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm considering changing the heroine's name from Mickey to Mattie. Gives me a similar vibe. Several have pointed out the first blurb works better for mystery, so I'm studying Romance blurbs and have revised this a bit. My style is to do a couple of blurbs then after revision of the story to revisit the blurb writing. Questions in blurbs are fine with me and can even be a good hook, though there are other ways to do this.

I've taken out much of the detail and shortened the blurb from 166 words to 99. I won't post improvements until I'm done revising the text, now sitting at 65k words. A large part of my revision aims to deepen, round out both main characters. I'm not sure whether to mention at the end of the blurb that this is the first book in a planned series. Best laid plans...

Thanks again
beachgardener

Posts: 420
Registered: 06/13/11
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 21, 2017 4:52 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
uncle1282 wrote:
I thank you all for your responses. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm considering changing the heroine's name from Mickey to Mattie. Gives me a similar vibe. Several have pointed out the first blurb works better for mystery, so I'm studying Romance blurbs and have revised this a bit. My style is to do a couple of blurbs then after revision of the story to revisit the blurb writing. Questions in blurbs are fine with me and can even be a good hook, though there are other ways to do this.

I've taken out much of the detail and shortened the blurb from 166 words to 99. I won't post improvements until I'm done revising the text, now sitting at 65k words. A large part of my revision aims to deepen, round out both main characters. I'm not sure whether to mention at the end of the blurb that this is the first book in a planned series. Best laid plans...

Thanks again

A thought - They put the series info right there on the page with the cover and blurb, no need to put it in the blurb as well. I wouldn't want to dull my blurbs impact. B

uncle1282

Posts: 1,341
Registered: 12/20/10
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 22, 2017 10:52 AM   in response to: beachgardener in response to: beachgardener
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
Dear Beach person: My point was I'm not sure if this book will be book 1 in a series or not. I'll have to wait for the spirit to move. Thanks.
beachgardener

Posts: 420
Registered: 06/13/11
Re: Tentative Blurb
Posted: Oct 22, 2017 12:06 PM   in response to: uncle1282 in response to: uncle1282
Click to report abuse...   Click to reply to this thread Reply
uncle1282 wrote:
Dear Beach person: My point was I'm not sure if this book will be book 1 in a series or not. I'll have to wait for the spirit to move. Thanks.

Dear Uncle, quite right. Do not believe there is any problem going back and indicating it as book one when and if it becomes number one is a series, a matter of update and hit publish. B
Legend
Helpful Answer
Correct Answer

Point your RSS reader here for a feed of the latest messages in all forums