1. A green eyeball with lobster pink hands don't belong on a book cover.
2. Too many exclamation points! Nothing is that exciting sentence after sentence! Punctuation doesn't make the story exciting! The story should be exciting!
3. You suck at first person. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I II I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I II II I I I I I I I I all down the page. Is this a report on what you did on your summer vacation?
4. Present tense? "I seize her by her shoulders, I shake her by her body, I shout and I am continuously calling her but she remains motionless."
5. A rare ellipsis in a book is acceptable. Multiple ellipses in one paragraph is not.
6. It's over-written. "There we are, her eyes are definitively closed."
7. Later, the wheels come off when you mix languages.
8. "I want my beautiful hairy creature."
9. Someone about to die from a fever is not speaking in exclamations. They are gasping for breath.
10. She goes from being feverish to instantly cold and pale when she dies?
1. Write it over again in third person, past tense.
2. Learn what death by fever is like.
3. Get rid of all the crap you've stuffed into it to make it interesting.
4. Don't write the story to impress me.
5. Get a cover that wouldn't induce vomiting in the drunk tank.
What does the cover convey? Bright red and green. Christmas? No. Green eyeball in green face with lobster red hands clasping. Horror maybe? This cover looks DIY and has clashing colors (the red stripe at the top is too bright and off color from the colors in the hands.) The green iris is too green as well compared to the face. The title is off center and small. I would have placed it at the bottom where there's a whole lot of fleshy part of the hand doing nothing to grab attention. Also, the title would be easier to read against the hands background. However, I think I'd scrap this cover design and go with something that conveys genre.
On the US site this book is $7.05 and is not enrolled in KU. There's very little chance anyone will buy it at this price with that cover.
Look Inside -
With all the exclamation points everywhere it reads like overacting.
"Touch me!" she gasps in exaggerated raptures as her hand flies to her forehead "Don't you feel how warm I am?" Both hands fly to her stomach as if they are holding something inside. "The hellfire is burning inside of me!" She arches her back and shouts, "The Devil himself is calling me back, in order to posses my soul and at last to consume my entire body..."
I added gestures to go with the dialog because that's what the exclamation points and over the top drama made me picture in my mind. It is a very different image from if she is truly on her death bed.
"Touch me," she wheezes. A coughing fit wracks her entire body before releasing her like a twisted rag. She looks up at me, pleading. "Don't you feel how warm I am?" Her hand weakly clasps mine and her eyes widen in sudden fear and focus on something in the distance. Something only she can see in her fever. "The hellfire is burning inside of me." Another coughing fit silences her for a good long minute. Though her body is growing steadily weaker, her determination to finish speaking causes her to cling to life past unendurable suffering. "The Devil himself is calling me back..."
So if you dump the exclamation points and add action tags with the dialog, you get a very different imagined scene.
That brings up another huge problem. You have no dialog tags so we can't tell who is speaking, who is listening, what's going on in the room, or what each person is doing. Without body language, there's no way to read the emotion other than the exclamation points and overly dramatic dialog which may or may not be conveying what you want it to.
Also, when the woman dies the other person seems very wordy and never once did I get a feeling for what he/she was feeling--deep sadness or anything--just spewing forth words in a long, flowery paragraph. That seems to be the way this is written - over the top dialog and inner monologue that makes me feel like this is a parody. I can't tell what it's supposed to be because the cover doesn't tell me anything, the blurb makes it sound like some straight laced pirate adventure, but the Look Inside reads like a parody of an overly acted play. None of the dialog seems realistic to me.
C. Gold wrote:
That brings up another huge problem. You have no dialog tags so we can't tell who is speaking, who is listening, what's going on in the room, or what each person is doing.
The real problems in the opening: the "dialogue" is so turgid, you can't hack your way through it, not even with a cutlass, and so devoid of char*acter*zation that no one cares about what's said or who said it. When it comes to dialogue, the OP may have a tin ear. So many do.