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Permlink Replies: 6 - Pages: 1 - Last Post: Jun 21, 2012 8:39 PM Last Post By: potatoandbeans
psevbrite

Posts: 35
Registered: 06/11/10
Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 12:55 PM
 
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I updated the blurb for my book. The one before was pretty short. Can you tell me if this is too long? It's for my Christian short story book and I'm trying to raise funds for a homeless feeding ministry at my local church. Should I emphasize that more than the book?

http://amzn.to/MaV6FC
looby11

Posts: 18
Registered: 06/10/12
Re: Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 1:24 PM   in response to: psevbrite in response to: psevbrite
 
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I like it, but im no expert.
There is a spelling error though...Should it read battled racism or battle?
shaddamax

Posts: 1,722
Registered: 08/09/11
Re: Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 2:24 PM   in response to: psevbrite in response to: psevbrite
 
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Your grammer in the first paragraph needs rethinking:

Samuel Rittenberg Tanner- or Sammy, for short- is a rarity in 1960’s Georgia. He’s a rich, semi-retired black man that’s living in the outskirts of Atlanta. Sammy’s battle racism and fought through it all with a smile, a song, and his natural charm. He’s ready for a road trip on his German motorcycle with a sidecar, but he can’t go it alone, so he invites his 17 year-old nephew, Alistair Graham Smith, to take him. Alistair’s lived all of his life in a poor Alabama sharecropper community. He’s never experienced any extravagant lifestyle like his Uncle Sammy has.

Who is instead of that's,
Sammy has battled instead of Sammy's battle,
I would actually do that whole sentence as "Sammy has battled racism, all with a smile, a song, and his natural charm.
An instead of any.

Hope this helps!
plummerak

Posts: 25
Registered: 06/19/12
Re: Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 2:29 PM   in response to: psevbrite in response to: psevbrite
 
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Hi I read your blurb and found this---Sammy’s battle racism...
Maybe it should read, Sammy's battle with racism...

I also am not an expert editor, but I wanted to help.

Cheers!
Alana
psevbrite

Posts: 35
Registered: 06/11/10
Re: Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 3:21 PM   in response to: plummerak in response to: plummerak
 
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You all are amazing. It's crazy how I've written over 2,000 articles for internet publishers yet I can still miss those things!
ablake29

Posts: 800
Registered: 10/28/11
Re: Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 7:56 PM   in response to: psevbrite in response to: psevbrite
 
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psevbrite, I like it a lot. But shouldn't it be, he invites ....to go with him? Not take with him.
I'm doing this from memory so maybe I got it wrong. Anyway, aside from cleaning up some of the issues pointed out to you, I wouldn't change anything. You might add, down on the bottom, that it's for charity.
Good luck.
alison
potatoandbeans

Posts: 107
Registered: 06/07/12
Re: Blurb review please?
Posted: Jun 21, 2012 8:39 PM   in response to: psevbrite in response to: psevbrite
 
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Hey psevbrite.

Just a few observations from a fellow writer.

• [i]He’s a rich, semi-retired black man [b]who is[/b] living in the outskirts of Atlanta.[/i]
The 'who is' is redundant, IMO. Further, I think the first and second sentence could be combined into one for added effect.

• [i]"He’s ready for a road trip on his German motorcycle with a sidecar, but he can’t [b]go do[/b] it alone..."[/i]
Typo

• [i]"When Sammy and Alistair [b]take [/b]an unplanned detour, they [b]run[/b] into something completely unexpected"[/i]
You're mixing your tenses.

You may want to add the bit about the Church at the end of your blurb. Something along the lines of "All proceeds will go to the Church of [[u] [/u]] ....
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